


Kara’s Dark Day

by NataliaWhite92



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Introspection, Mostly Kara
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-30
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-12-26 14:34:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18284234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NataliaWhite92/pseuds/NataliaWhite92
Summary: Kara takes one day a year to grieve all that she has lost





	Kara’s Dark Day

It’s a strange sensation, mourning, grieving, missing people. Especially when you are alone in doing it. Everybody loses people, and she is in no way negating the pain that they feel. She always feels guilty about telling people about her loss, so she doesn’t. She mentions it sometimes, and people remember occasionally, but grieving is a personal experience for her. She remembers her planet, her life, her people, all the time. There is not a moment where they are all not with her. She knows that they are now in Rao’s light, and that gives her comfort sometimes. 

Sometimes it doesn’t though. Sometimes she wants nothing more than to scream and rage against the world. She wants to bawl alone in her apartment. She wants someone there. She can’t land on what she really wants because the one thing that comes to mind is the one that is impossible. 

It’s about to be ten years since she last saw the comforting red light with her own eyes. Ten years since she was held in an embrace that felt like home. Ten years since she had heard her father laugh, her friends’ bicker. Ten years alone.

The worst was the forgetting. Every time she tried to pull something specific to mind and it was no longer at her beck and call she felt like she was losing her world all over again. She could no longer taste the spongy fruit that grew on the lone tree in the valley near her home. She could no longer hear the pronunciation of her native language that had been all she knew when she landed on Earth. She could no longer remember the exact color of her teacher’s eyes. She was the only one who had this knowledge, when it was gone it would be like they had never existed. 

She prayed to Rao around this time each year. Never a specific day, but always at the end of March because that’s the closest she could figure when she tried to back trace the devastation of her planet. She prayed for all those souls who had joined him. She prayed for the confirmation that she was meant to have survived. She prayed for the strength that she would continue to do good in the memory of all she had lost. She prayed that someday it wouldn’t hurt as much as it did right now. 

She didn’t believe what humans did about grief. She knew that it didn’t get better with time. It got easier. That she couldn’t dispute because it had gotten easier to remember them when their memories got more fuzzy around the edges. When she didn’t see people’s likeness everywhere she turned. When she didn’t turn to tell her mother something that had excited her. But grief was like waves, they came in different heights and with different forces but they continued to crash into you. 

Ten years. She was 13 when she had been put in her pod and sent to Earth, to safety, away from her world that exploded before her eyes. She had lived more years on Earth that she could remember than she had on her home planet. She lost her feet when that realization hit her. Crashing into the ground hard enough to splinter the sidewalk. She rushed away as soon as she could and flew into the air quicker than people could track the fact that she still wasn’t in her suit. She needed to escape, she needed to be somewhere else, she needed something that she couldn’t put to words. 

Every year around this time she had a dark day. She was Sunny Danvers 364 days of the year but one day she took for herself. Alex had tried to be there for her, offering her anything she could think of but she asked her to leave. That was many years ago now. At present Alex always knew when the dark day was going to come, it wasn’t something Kara tried to hide. The night before Alex always told her she loved her, and to be safe, and then didn’t try to contact her until the day after. 

She always showed up the next morning with a seasonal coffee and more pastries than anyone should rightfully eat. They sat together, not talking, but helping Kara readjust to being around people again. Alex was why she came back every year. She was why she gave herself this one day to really feel the loss, why she went dark and stayed by herself. She reminded her she may not be born of Earth but humanity is like a virus, one that doesn’t kill her maybe but it does infect her with the feelings that she lets herself experience. Alex never asks about the dark day, but she is always there before and after, not treating her differently, just loving her and protecting her in another way. Alex is who first showed her that maybe she could have a home on this planet too. 

She thought she was getting better at dealing with everything. She still felt the anxiousness when March started, but she only lost control a couple times this year. She was immersed in memories all the time but they were more often than not good ones. Last year had been hard, it was always hard, but not as bad as it once had been. This year was different, she figured it was just because ten was a big round number, somehow so different than nine. Either way, this year was harder and she felt the pull of breaking down stronger than it had been since right after she landed on Earth. 

This year was also different for other reasons that weren’t completely revolving around her. James and Winn had started their Guardian charade. She knows she overreacted to the news when it came out but could anyone really blame her? Humans were so fragile, in the blink of an eye they could be gone forever. Willingly throwing themselves into the heart of danger was something she could not wrap her mind around, or support. It had fractured their friendship as everyone walked on eggshells now. They were still around, and she couldn’t exactly avoid them at the DEO or James at CatCo, but she kept her interactions short and businesslike. They followed suit. 

Alex had Maggie now, and she knew it didn’t change their relationship as sisters. Alex was her always. Alex would leave behind whatever she had going on at the drop of a dime to be there for Kara. She had in fact a couple times, something that Alex and Maggie really needed to talk about because if she could see it affecting their relationship then it was beyond apparent. But Alex had gone somewhere Kara couldn’t always follow. She had someone else in her life now besides Kara. Jealousy was unbecoming she knew, and she wouldn’t really label it as jealousy, but she was envious of what they had. She wanted someone to come home to. Or maybe not, it’s not like with her job at CatCo and her extra curricular night work made for an easy relationship, even if she could find someone to share what time she didn’t have with. 

Enter and quickly exit Mon-El. She knew what she had been doing when she tried to train him, and let it lead to some kind of relationship that never should have happened. She was settling. She was trying to create something that didn’t ever exist. Just because he was the closest she could have to a Kryptonian didn’t mean it would work. See the many examples where it didn’t. She didn’t regret trying to help him, though everyone was quick to point out how much of a waste of time that was. She wanted him to be more than he had been raised to be on Daxam. But you can’t force things on other people, ambitions or feelings it turns out. Kara might not regret it but she had learned from it. 

The last major change that happened this year was Lena. Though maybe she should have been at the top of the list. Lena, the last Luthor standing, had swept into National City quietly and unassumingly. She had come to make a change to the company that was associated with anti-alien sentiments, greed, and mad power hungry former leaders. She had succeeded within the first month. 

Kara won’t contest that the first time she had met Lena she was there with Clark on a fact-finding mission, scoping out the new Luthor for threats. That’s what she went in thinking at least, she left after completing a 180 quicker than she would have believed possible. Clark was not so convinced but really Superman had his own city to worry about, and bias just because of family associations was a bad precedent for anyone to set. She had quickly told him that until he could be more open minded he was not welcome in her city. He had yet to come back, though he had reached out. She really did need to return that message. 

Kara had soon found many reasons to visit Lena, both as Kara Danvers and Supergirl. She had told Lena her identity way too soon according to Alex, but she trusted her so other people needed to jump on board. She knew as soon as she told Lena who she was she would be able to start bringing her around the DEO more often. To be around Lena was to love her, something she found startlingly true when Lena became part of all facets of her life in the blink of an eye. Even Alex “I’m so over protective I don’t let anyone worm their way into my life and heart until a thorough vetting process that is both extensive and amazingly unnecessary most of the time” Danvers couldn’t help but be won over. A fact which Kara teased her older sister mercilessly about. 

Alex retaliated by being the antithesis of subtle when prodding Kara about her feelings for Lena. 

“So Lena was at the DEO earlier.” 

“Yeah I know. She was helping Winn backtrack the people who tried to breakthrough the firewalls last week. She kept sending me messages with pictures of how frustrated Winn was getting at being outsmarted by them.” 

“I’m sure that wasn’t a problem for Lena.” 

“Of course not Alex. She was able to trace them and trap them into giving up their location after like ten minutes. She’s so smart Alex. I mean you should see some of the stuff she is working on at L-Corp right now. Actually you shouldn’t because it’s proprietary and I totally haven’t seen any of that anyways. So forget I mentioned it and why are you looking at me like that?” 

“Kara, you are so in love with Lena Luthor.” 

“No I’m not. She’s my best friend Alex.” 

“Your gal pal?”

“Well she is a gal and she is my pal so maybe? Wait no, Maggie showed me what that meant last week!” 

“And why did Maggie show you that Kar?” 

“She said some people get confused and need a little help sorting things out and darn it Alex you set that up didn’t you?”

Alex laughed and reached her arm behind the couch they were sitting on watching tv at their weekly sister’s night. She squeezed Kara’s shoulders and waited for her to stop covering her face. 

“Some people need a little help sometimes Kara. You do. So does Lena, but it’s a lot easier to get access to you than a multi-billionaire who has way too much personal security.” 

“You could just ask to talk to her you know. She is your friend too.” 

“Where do you think Maggie is right now?”

“Alex no!”

“Alex yes.” 

Kara eventually unburied her head from the mass of blankets that she kept at the ready, one never knew when they would be needed. She tried to shoot Alex her best angry glare but was deemed ineffective after Alex had stopped laughing once again. Maybe just a little blast sometime would up her toughness quotient, somewhere non-essential of course. Did anyone really need all ten fingers? Well actually Alex probably did and nope, not following that thought trail. Thank you and goodbye!

So Kara may be in love with Lena. And Lena may return such feelings, according to Maggie anyways, but now is not the time to explore that. Literally not the time because you don’t try to sweep someone off her feet only to turn around a couple days later and completely disappear. She would go see Lena. Tomorrow. Well actually tomorrow she would be spending mostly with Alex. Sunday! Sunday she would go see Lena, and maybe hold her hand, maybe even touch her hair. 

Today had just started and Kara could feel it starting to weigh her down. She didn’t go flying on her dark day; she rarely left her apartment actually. She had learned through unfortunate trial and error that the less she was around anyone, or doing anything at all, was for the best. So she hunkered down, closed all her blinds with the special sound dampening technology Alex had developed from the DEO, piled as many blankets on her bed as she could fit, and just existed. She remembered. She cried. She prayed. She laughed a little. She felt. 

She gave in to her impulses and did what she wanted. She watched shows that didn’t hold her full attention. She jumped from story to story, book-to-book, phone to television to paper. She did the cycle again and again because she knew that she couldn’t focus. She sang songs of her people, crying so hard that she could barely get the sounds out. She told their stories in her head and out loud, wrapping her mouth around the stiff language that used to be as natural as breathing.

She tried to ignore the buzzing in her limbs from so much immobility. She wasn’t used to taking a full day for herself. On a normal day she wasn’t able to relax for more than an hour at a time really. But this was no normal day. She got frustrated when her mind vacillated between going out and staying there. She had never had this problem before, this had always worked. It wasn’t today. 

She was about to call it quits when she heard someone knock on her door. It was tentative and she flared immediately to anger. Everyone knew she didn’t want to be disturbed today. This is why she didn’t want to be around people on her dark day; tapping into her impulses was hard to turn off. She knew that it was probably just someone dropping off a package, or a neighbor maybe. Once James had sent her a pizza on her dark day but with the state of their current relationship she doubted that would be happening again. She considered ignoring it but ultimately decided it would be easier to just get rid of them as kindly as possible. 

She didn’t use her x-ray vision as she approached her door. It was an unwritten rule of today that she used as few powers as absolutely necessary, connecting more with a time that she didn’t have them. When she opened the door she had pasted the most real smile she could on her face but knew it was barely making a difference in her down turned mouth. Which popped open on it’s own volition when she realized who was standing in front of her. 

She could see her speaking but coming back was so hard. She had to climb out of the hole she had dug herself, she had to break the surface of the water, she had to stop mixing metaphors and respond to Lena. Because of course it was Lena standing in front of her. Lena looking at her through eyes shrouded with concern. Lena who had stopped talking and was wringing her hands anxiously waiting for Kara to say something. 

“Lena?” She didn’t realize how raw her throat was until she tried to speak that one word. It hurt, but everything did right now. 

She didn’t know if Lena asked, or if she invited her, but they were inside the apartment. Lena was setting down her bag. Lena was holding her hand and drawing her toward the couch. Lena was there and Kara collapsed into her arms. 

Lena held her while she cried. Lena hummed something Kara didn’t recognize but was told after that it was an Irish lullaby Lena’s mom used to sing her when she was scared. Lena didn’t ask for anything and gave her everything she didn’t know she needed today. 

She wanted to apologize for falling apart but even without voicing it she knew what Lena’s response would be. She also didn’t want to move ever again from the warmth of Lena’s arms. The first arms that had been able to reach her on this day. She felt safe with Lena. Safe to mourn the loss of people no one else remembered and she realized that Lena probably understood this kind of grief. She vowed to actually talk to her about it as soon as she was able, to give Lena a chance to tell her about Lex if she wanted to. She wanted to be Lena’s safe place just like Lena was proving herself to be for Kara. 

They didn’t move for many hours and when they did they were still connected somehow. A hand held softly in another. A touch to show the love and thanks that couldn’t be expressed right now. A kiss on the forehead to acknowledge this and portray the promise of continuing to be there. 

Lena helped Kara change out of the clothes that she had spent the day in, comfy but covered in tears and memories. She tried to interest her in food but didn’t force it when Kara wasn’t able to. She lead her into the bedroom and held her again. 

Kara lay with her head on Lena’s chest, listening to her heart beat out the rhythm that would become her grounding just as Alex’s still was and would continue to be. She listened to the air traveling through her lungs. She listened to Lena beneath her and breathed with her. She fell asleep remembering her past, what she had lost. But she awoke the next morning still in Lena Luthor’s arms and smiled up at the person she had found.

She looked at Lena’s face, reconciling that yes this might be a little creepy to watch her while she slept but also not really caring because there was little as perfect as the softness of Lena while she slept. She looked so much younger without her makeup, and her attitude that while attractive was a mask Kara loved seeing beneath. She made no move to get up, just pulled the blankets closer around the two of them and continued to watch Lena. She felt the stirrings of wakefulness as the arms around her gripped her tighter before pausing. She watched the confusion draw Lena’s eyebrows together and the peaking of her glance, only a sliver of those beautiful green eyes appearing before she closed them again and relaxed. 

“I can feel you watching me Kara.” 

“Mhm.” 

“Stop watching me Kara.” 

“Nuh uh.” 

“Kara!” She couldn’t hold the exasperation in her tone as Kara nuzzled her nose into Lena’s clavicle, delightfully discovering that Lena Luthor was ticklish. She tucked that valuable piece of information away for another time and let Lena’s giggles wash over her. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Mhm.” 

“Darling, as adorable as I find your nonsense noises I would gratefully appreciate it if you used real words. But only if you would like. Whatever you need. ” 

Kara took a moment to think about what she would like. Her immediate response is to stay here, just like this. She knows it’s completely unrealistic, the outside world is waiting for both of them, but right now she doesn’t want to acknowledge it for just a little while longer. 

She’s trying to find a way to put this thought into words when something else comes out of her mouth. Something she wasn’t expecting but now needs to hear the answer to. 

“Why did you come?” 

Lena opens her eyes fully at the question, the first full sentence to leave Kara’s mouth in more than a few hours. She looks down at Kara, meeting her eyes, and Kara sees oceans of compassion, understanding, and love in the depths. When Lena smiles Kara mirrors it unconsciously, but she can feel the act of smiling pull the feelings behind it up to her surface. She is happy she realizes, happy Lena is here, happy it is a new day, just happy. 

“You don’t actually need to answer that. But how did you know?”

“Maggie mentioned something the other day.” 

Kara felt herself tense up. She wasn’t upset that Maggie had told Lena, but she was hurt that she had. It wasn’t her secret to tell and even if it was for all the right intentions she still didn’t appreciate it. 

“No Kara,” Lena’s hand starts rubbing up and down her arm, the other scratching her scalp. Kara wonders how people hold onto any animosity at all while this is happening and can feel hers drain away almost instantaneously as she pushes up into the contact. An actual purring noise may have happened though she will never admit it. 

“She didn’t tell me much, or really anything at all. She mentioned that I might not be able to get in contact with you sometime over the next couple of days and not to be worried about it. She said you were safe but didn’t want to be around people. I realize now she was probably warning me against this exact situation happening. I don’t know how to explain why I came Kara, it was like I just knew that I should. I’m so sorry love, I wish I was explaining this better.” 

“You’re doing fine. I didn’t know I needed you until you showed up. I was so anxious, nothing was working like I wanted it to but then I opened the door and you were there and it was like I knew you were coming but didn’t at the same time. I wanted you here, but I didn’t know that until you were.” 

“That’s how it felt to me as well.” 

“Thank you for coming.” 

“Of course Kara. I’m sorry I can’t make things better, but if there’s anything I can ever do please just ask.” 

“This, keep doing this.” 

Lena continued to scratch her scalp and play with her hair. Kara continued to talk on and off, sharing stories and memories when they crossed her mind. She knew she wasn’t making much sense but Lena just encouraged her. Lena talked a little but mostly just listened, and stayed there, and held Kara. They held each other. 

The knock on the front door this time was not nearly as unexpected as last night’s had been. Kara knew Alex would be coming over because she always did, though usually she was there a lot earlier than 1pm. And wow was that the actual time? 

Kara pulled open the door and fell into her sister’s strong arms. The arms of the first person she trusted on Earth, the arms of the person who taught her home is not a place. Alex hugged her as tight as she could and Kara returned it, as tight as was safe. 

“You good?”

“I’m good.” 

“I love you.” 

“I love you too. Did you bring food?”

“Of course I brought food. And what is that? They seem to have accidentally included some vegan muffins and a far too caffeinated latte. Whatever shall I do with these?”

“You knew?” 

“Jess called me, by the way we are going to talk about how not giving out my private DEO number to random civilians is kind of the point of having the phone later. Apparently a certain CEO didn’t show up for work today after leaving the office yesterday with the vaguest excuse ever and then turned off her phone. I swear the woman was on her way to an aneurism so I offered to check in on you both.” 

“That’s very kind of you Agent Danvers. Please allow me to call Jess back though. I told her I probably wouldn’t be coming into the office today but of course she is there. And she calls me a workaholic.” 

“I’m pouring your latte down the sink if you call me Agent Danvers again. Those who love my little sister get to call me Alex.” 

“You didn’t let Winn call you Alex for like a year and a half!” Kara protests, in between colossal bites of sticky buns and breakfast sandwiches. 

“I don’t like Winn.” 

“You called him your little brother less than a week ago.” 

“Fine, I may like him now.” 

“Was that the Alex seal of approval I just received?” Lena jokes as she reaches for her coffee and a muffin. 

“You can have it in writing, I know how you business people like things fancy and signed. But really, thank you. I don’t know how to actually thank you for being there for her yesterday.” 

“No thanks needed. I want to be there for her whenever she may need me.” 

“All the time!” Kara shouts enthusiastically, spraying bits of food at the two used to be having a moment women in front of her. 

“Kara Zor-El Danvers! Don’t talk with your mouthful!” 

“Zor-El?” 

“That’s her Kryptonian name. Has she never mentioned it?”

“No, she seems to have left that out. Why is that Darling?”

“Because Alex is the only one to use it, and only when I’m in trouble!” Kara mumbled not looking at either of them. 

Alex and Lena laugh as Kara continues to pout, while eating. She’s always been a good multitasker. 

“Put that pout away missy! Lena, you’ve got to watch that. She uses it like a weapon I know but you’ve got to resist as hard as you can!”

Lena crosses the kitchen to place a kiss on Kara’s crinkle and then one on her lips. A soft pressing together that lasts only a second but has Kara smiling again. She looks at Lena with awe and melts a little in her seat. 

“I think I’ll be able to handle it.” 

Kara listens to her two favorite people laugh, albeit at her, and looks between them. She still feels a little muted, a little disconnected, but she’s okay. It takes time to come back after losing herself, even for a day. She continues to smile, feeling the genuine pleasure run through her, as she finishes the last of her breakfast and they all move toward the couch. 

She feels a pang in her chest. She will never stop missing the people she has lost, will always remember them.They are a huge part of what made her into the person she is today and they continue to be close to her heart. But she knows that she can be happy still. She can be both happy and sad at the same time, it’s all about balance. She sits between Alex and Lena, who are still teasing her above her head, and is home.

**Author's Note:**

> Today was a rough one for me, as it always is. I’m not great at communicating my feelings out loud but I’ve found comfort and catharsis in writing. It makes me feel more connected when I’m struggling. This might not be everyone’s cup of tea but I hope you enjoy it anyways.  
> As always you can find me on tumblr Nataliawhite92.


End file.
